A CLEAN SWEEP

My running mate is Wild Willie Evilspierre, from Skunk Hollow Tenn., a direct descendant of the master of evil, Maximillien Francois Marie Isidore de Robespierre, the leading citizen of the bloody French revolution, who lopped off the heads of all those French aristocrats. Eventually he got his own head looped off, which was a bit of poetic justice, which you seldom see in politics. If Wild Willie and yours truly are elected, we will begin lopping off heads right and left.

I was going to ask the GAY Hillary Clinton to be my running mate, but our investigation revealed: that when she was five years old she told the truth one time, only once, but once is enough. We discovered that she lied to get out of telling the truth, but once a truth-teller always a truth-teller. She could not be trusted not to tell the truth. In a fit of anxiety, where telling the truth might help get her re-elected, who knows what she might do. So we decided to stick with Wild Willie, because he has never been accused of telling the truth.

Now if you elect me president, you will not have to pay me a salary, because there is more than one way to skin a cat.

For that reason I admire Lyndon Banes Johnson and Bill Clinton, because Johnson had to borrow money to get to his first job in Washington and left worth ten million dollars in 1960 money. Fast Willie (Bill) Clinton was a poor boy from Arkansas, who managed to scrape together thirty million on a president’s meager salary. So, there is gold in them there halls of the White House and I mean to get my share.

My greatest achievement in life is to be the founder of the Richard Millhouse Nixon Society and become its beloved president. Of course I am the only “official” member, because we do not have an official membership list. But I am sure that there are millions of members out there just like me that admires one of the greatest liars that ever lived and the only man to ever resign the presidency to avoid impeachment. You have to like that guy, for he was one of a kind.

We are not going to accept any campaign contributions, because as soon as word gets around that we are the biggest liar and the biggest crook in the entire country, we will be elected by the biggest landslide in the history of American politics. I will be known as “Land-Slide Snake”. I promise that I will not disappoint you: for I will be the real low-life that you elected.

Now, I am sure that you are wondering what my platform will be, besides being a liar and a crook with absolutely no scruples to speak of.

My first official act will be to declare a “national emergency”, not to be confused with a states emergency. States are sovereign and must be left alone in any legitimate government. We will be able to steal enough from the federal government without stealing from the states. Besides it would not be fair for one crook to infringe upon the territory of another crook. The states have enough of their own crooks to deal with, without having to watch out for crooks from Washington. As you all know there is much honor among thieves and we will observe that system.

After I declare a “national emergency”, my first official act will be to cancel the taxes that poor underpaid waitresses must cough up to Uncle Sam. I plan on getting most of the waitresses to vote for me and that is a large block of votes.

I will put all the pregnant whores on welfare and that will get me another huge block of votes.

I will put through a Constitution Amendment that will give the feminists complete rule over the man of the house, because there are so many wimps among the male species that they need a strong self-willed woman to rule over them. This will bring me another huge block of votes.

My next official act, under this “national emergency” will be to arrest ever federal government official that has broken the law. All federal government officials have broken the law one way or another. Most have not kept their promise to obey the Constitution and that is breaking the law. To make room for all these criminals, we will release all the political prisoners in jail.

The really big crooks like Bush, Cheney and the top officials in the federal government, especially the war-mongers, we will fall back on the old feudal system and exile them all to Iraq for the remainder of my life time. In Iraq, if they are allowed to live, they will have to breathe all that nasty depleted uranium they have been spreading around over there. We will bring all our troops home and leave them without any protection. We will confiscate all their wealth, put them on social security and Medicare, which will be no good in Iraq, but such is life. We will turn that fancy US embassy in the Green Zone into a lustrous brothel where the world’s dictators can sneak away and frolic with whores from ever country. We will call it “Dial-A-Whore”, where you dial up the color and kind of whore you want.

Next I will arrest all the bank presidents and their top lieutenants and confiscate their personal wealth. I will appoint new bank officers and the banking system will operate as it is supposed to operate, clean and honest. Since these disposed bank officials love the worlds dictators so much, I will exile them to Zimbabwe, where they will receive a warm welcome I am sure.

Next I will arrest all the media moguls, multinational corporations and Hollywood, confiscate their personal wealth, put them on Social Security and exile them to, what used to South Africa. They will love it there, because the ruler of that country is one of the most corrupt men in the world. Of course their money want go far enough to cause any trouble, because inflation is killing that once prosperous nation.

My next official act will be to arrest ALL federal attorneys and judges. To make room in prison for all these evil judges and lawyers, I will release all the men and women that they have falsely sent to prison. I will release Congressman Jim Trifcant and appoint him Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and appoint Martha Stewart head of the FBI; she will know what to do with all those crooks and liars over there.

We will close the CIA and put all the evil agents out in the Mohave Desert to clean up all the tumble weeds and other undesirable weeds. They will live in tents with no heat or air condition: they will burn up in summer and freeze in winter. We will return intelligence gathering back to the NEW MILITARY where it belongs. I say NEW MILITARY, because we will arrest all the a*#-kissers and replace them with real military men, whose first interest will be the protection of America and not a hundred other countries. Then the military’s duty will be to secure our borders and not the borders of ever two-bit country in the world.

So, we are not ashamed to ask for your vote and we promise, on the Holy Bible, that we will be even more unscrupulous then the previous governments that you have elected. If you liked George Bush, you will love us, because we will make Bush look like the saint he professes to be.

Yours Truly:

Abe Snake

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Bill Gibbons is a semi-retired Fundamental Minister of the Gospel and political activist. He is the former publisher of the Spirit of Elijah, editor of the Good News Bulletin, author of two fiction novels, THE NEW AMERICAN REVOLUTION and the AMERICAN GESTAPO. He has written hundreds of articles for newspapers and web sites. He is a political POPULIST; a populist is one who believes in AMERICA FIRST, not last like our modern politicians. He believes that America is a REPUBLIC, not a democracy. A REPUBLIC is a nation where the laws are set in stone and cannot be tampered with by politicians, as our Constitution directs. A DEMOCRACY is a form of government where the unwashed rabble can vote themselves huge largess from the public treasure. Bill no longer accepts speaking engagements, because of his advanced age. He can be reached gibb@azci.net . His web site,